And as hard as that was for me – could the answer be anything but yes for him?
That’s the privilege of being a parent – we get to do what is best for our children but not necessarily what is “best” (convenient, easy, etc) for ourselves.
I’m pretty sure that’s called sacrifice.
Jesus sacrificed it ALL for me. Even though I didn’t deserve it.
Nick inspires me to push through the hard and do the things I must – not because I have to – because I want to. Because I love him.
“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:7
And my heart hurts that he grieves for an older brother. An older brother who was a best friend for nearly 7 years. An older brother who taught him so well. An older brother who taught us all the ultimate lessons of living.
Seeing Nick hurt is worse than my own pain.
And that fuels my strength to do whatever I must.
And we lay and read together in a big brother’s bed where countless stories were read before.
And we talk about the glow in the dark solar system carefully hung by a big brother and we turn off the light just to see.
Because the stars shine brightest in the darkness.
And Mayo and I tuck a little brother in and I remember an older brother and kissing his warm, living skin and I am thankful he was never too old to tuck in.
As long as your children are in your care, tuck them in – kiss them, hug them – no matter their age. They need it as much as you.
And we all prayed together. And we all learn together.
And we leave a little brother and his dog to sleep in the living memories of a brother’s room.
And I stare at the empty page of my daily journal and see the lack of answers, the lack of my desires, the lack of control.
And I look all around and see people with normal lives, normal families and my heart longs for that normalcy.
But this is MY life. My new normal. The life HE has laid out for me. The beautiful gift HE has given me.
And I cannot see the bigger picture that HE has painted for my life. But I know it is there.
And so I write the joys moments of the day. And in focusing on being thankful, my trust is once again strengthened.
And I know HIS plan is perfect.
I just can’t see that far ahead…
(and as I get ready to post this entry this morning – Nick has just awakened after sleeping ALL night – the first in a long while…)