A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families.” ~ Psalm 68:5-6

A variety of emotions have overwhelmed me being back in our house in Wilmington this weekend. Nick is so excited to be home in the only house he has ever known as home. He loves being in his room, swimming in his pool, and playing with his and Zack’s friends. He is loving introducing his puppy “Miley” to all of his friends. Seeing Nick this happy (the happiest we have seen him in weeks) makes my heart happy.

But, being back in our house is bittersweet. I see Zack everywhere….at the top of the stairs yelling down Mommy where are my clean socks?, at the door of the pantry and the fridge seeing what we have to eat, in the pool playing, in the front yard running with friends, in my bathroom (which he always chose over his own), and in his empty bedroom – which is just the way he left it. And while I cherish all my memories of Zack in this house, it is a painful reminder all of that will never be again.

Tears still flow easily and I ache with loneliness in this new world I have come to know but still do not understand. Some days are tougher than others. God sends relatives, friends and even strangers to help lift the loneliness from me and bring me into the company and companionship of others. I never really understood what it was like to feel lonely in a crowd until now. Even though many people may surround me, I realize that not one of them truly understands what I am going through. But I do believe God understands my pain – all of our pains – and yearns for us to let Him fill that pain with His presence and the fullness of His compassion and care…if only we will let Him.

(God said) “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” ~ Hebrews 13:5

Today is another new day. I will face the day with hope and embrace the smiles, the tears and everything in between.

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.” – Walter Elliott

Still praying and believing….learning to live life without Zack. A moment at a time…

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11 thoughts on “Loneliness…

  1. Wendy, My heart aches for you and I hope through prayer and perseverence you will find some peace in your beautiful memories of Zack. Dee

  2. Peace of The Lord be with you sweet Wendy. I can’t imagine what you are experiencing.
    I am so happy for Nick to be able to visit his friends and home. What a little trooper with such a sweet spirit!
    I know that Zack is so proud of his mommy for always reaching out to those in need. I am sure that there is much bragging going on in heaven!
    Love to you all. “Ms. Lucy”

  3. Wth your tears are mixed in many from all those who love you and some of us have never even met you. The tears still flow when I read your words and think of your lonliness………
    seeing Zack everywhere must be one of those bittersweet things that you want but without the sorrow…..reminds me of what I tell people when I hear someone call out “Mom?’ in that questionable voice where you are expecting a reply, and it is ……silent……that was when I realized I would NEVER get to “call out” to my Mom again and get a response. And still sometimes( in private) I still do because I miss so terribly calling out to her, she was my best friend…….
    Knowing it cannot compare to loosing a child (I have five ), I agree with you ONLY GOD can know the emptiness and lonliness we experience and isn’t it wonderful knowing HE IS ALWAYS THERE FOR US …….Love and many prayers

  4. Dear Wendy,
    Whenever I read your posts, I always feel so bereft of words, and yet know that no earthly or human words will never fill the void of your precious Zack. God’s Word however, has the power to soothe, comfort, heal, and bind up our wounds. Christ was sent by His Father to heal the broken-hearted (Is.61). As I type with tears of sorrow for you and your family, I am praying. Sometimes prayer is all we’re left with. Praying that the Lord will meet you right where you’re at. Praying that when your home is painfully silent of Zack’s voice and presence, that He will miraculously enable you to have a glimpse into Zack’s world. I pray you will hear his laughter and be comforted by the fact that he is playing with all the other little boys that have been called Home. I pray that you will be settled in your spirit, knowing that life for all of us is short, and that it will seem like a heartbeat before you are reunited with your son and your Savior. What a grand reunion it will be!! I am praying that you will, in time, understand God’s purposes and know deep within your spirit that His plans for us are good, to prosper us and bring us hope.
    Once again, thank you for sharing your deepest feelings with us. You are couragious, and your faith has encouraged me even though we have never met. May the Lord hug and hold you close.
    Is. 41:28-31
    “Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. There is no searching of HIS UNDERSTANDING.
    He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might, He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall. But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

  5. Dear Wendy;
    I do not know what you are going through; it is every parent’s worst nightmare. Sometime after the OK City bombings, I saw an interview with a mother who had lost two young sons; their day care center was in the Murrah bulding. She said she had become a lot less afraid because she had already been through the worst thing she would ever experience.

    Since Zack passed into the arms of Jesus; you have stayed busy. I don’t have any comforting things to tell you; you have been a huge inspiration to me. But, even though I don’t have a clue what you are going through, I too have lost loved ones, but that still isn’t like losing a child. I learned that grief has it’s stages. Also, like you, I found that many people were hesitant to talk with me about my feelings. I usually started talking then crying and then the person I was talking to changed the subject.

    I learned that everyone experiences grief in different ways; but that everyone does have to go through the various stages of grief; getting through with ways they work for them. I also learned that there is no “closure.” I hate that word when someone uses it. I know they mean well, but I think peaceful acceptance might be a better description…. and I have no idea how long it takes to reach that state.

    Your faith is strong and has been such an inspiration to so many people. You are a hero to me because I followed your entire Journey on Caring Bridge and now on this blog. God WILL take care of you… even when the only thing you can pray is “Help!” Wendy, you have so many supporters all over and most are unknown to you. I love you and your family. My heart broke when Zack died, and I cried when you had to take little Nick to the hospital and he was afraid he wouldn’t come out. You and “Mayo” have a strong marriage and I pray you will find comfort in each other.

    In His Love,

  6. Here in New Bern today you were on my mind. Our bible study prayed for your family and I was thinking about you and hoping you were doing okay. Your blog is uplifting and while I never met your family, your faith and love is strong.

    Tonya Mills

  7. Dear Wendy,

    I DO understand your tears, your loneliness and your memories that bright laughter and tears all at the same time. Yes, God does bring strangers in our lives to help us along this path we did not choose. I am one of those strangers by name, but friend by hearts combined in our grief and our hope. I too have a son who died way too soon. His name is Brandon. He was 27. He too left a brother who misses him.

    My prayers are with you and your family.

    Nancy Harris
    Wilmington, NC

  8. Wendy,,,, I stop by from time to time because I care very much how you and your family are doing. Of course reading this post hurts so much,,,, but the amount of hurt compared to yours is so inconsequential,,,, but I allow myself to hurt, to honor you and your love of your son Zack. Wishing so much that I could lessen your pain,,, as I have thought so many times before, if all of us could just take a portion of your hurt,,, to help you bear what I feel is the unbearable. You, Zack, Nick, Mayo,,,, you are thought of and prayed for often; none of you are forgotten. Hugs.